by Leigh Ann Dilley on May 22, 2024
No one wants to experience grief, but we all experience periods of grief from time to time. What are some ways to manage our own grief and/or help another grieve? As we examine some best practices, keep in mind that everyone handles grief differently: men, women, introverts, extroverts, the young, the old, believers, and nonbelievers. People are different, and so is their grief.
What is grief? Grief is what we experience after a loss of some kind. The pain can be physical and/or emotional. Every grief experience is different because every loss is different. Loss can be a job, status, relationship, a person, health, finances, or material possessions that may stem from a natural disaster. Even an unfulfilled dream. The depth and duration of the grieving period correlate to how close the loss was to us. Grief is hardest when the bond is close and significant. A loss always seems like a surprise, even when it is expected.
Grieving is the mourning journey that leads to healing. It's a bit like being lost in the wilderness, especially at first, but the goal is to move through the grief process. If the grieving process does not happen, the griever can get stuck and take longer. Lamenting is a gift from God and is the vehicle that transports us to healing. The goal of the grieving process is not to forget the past but to slowly let go of the past to find new life in the future.
How does one support a griever? The support of a sojourner aids in the adjustment and healing process. A sojourner is one who intentionally walks with another through the grief process. They are intentional and empathetic. A sojourner is a person the griever trusts.
Best practices of a sojourner are as follows (from Tim VanDuivendyk's book, The Unwanted Gift of Grief):
- Know how to listen, listen, and listen. It's the griever's story - let them talk.
- Be intentional with your presence. Do not avoid a close friend in grief.
- Give permission and encourage the expression of feelings.
- Rarely share your own grief story. Rather, help others talk about their grief.
- Don't pass judgment on another's grief.
- Do not normalize or belittle another's feelings or grief.
- Do not give easy, cliche answers. Rather say "help me understand."
- Be patient. Understand that reality comes slowly to a griever.
- Expect anger. There is no need to argue, debate, or defend.
- Don't rush through the grief process. This process belongs to the griever and God.
- Prayers are helpful to a believer, but be careful of academic answers regarding "God's will." God promises to be with us on the mountain and in the valley, not that we won't experience grief. But he wants to bring purpose to our experiences.
- Sojourners are present and care but are allowed not to be perfect.
This list is far from exhaustive. Grief is complex. People are complex too. Each person's experience is unique, but having a few tools and a little knowledge goes a long way when working with someone experiencing grief. These tools can give you a perspective on your own grief too.
Most importantly, it is not what you say that will impact a griever; it is better to say very little. Rather, it is the kindness of your presence the river will remember and appreciate.
